HATORADE RETROGRADE

THE TEST CAME BACK POSITIVE, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. * MERCURY IS RISING; LEAD IS IN THE WATER; PROTEST ON THE WIND; ASBESTOS IN THE CEILING; PLUTONIUM IN THE FOOD CHAIN; NAPALM IN THE MORNING; BPA ON THAT RECEIPT YOU JUST GOT; ON THE TIP OF YOUR FINGERS, YOUR TONGUE. GLITTER IS EVERYWHERE AND YOU ARE PRETTY ON THE INSIDE. * BRACE YOURSELF:

[…]
IN THE YEAR 2033 THE NRA IS RECOGNIZED AS THE TERROR ORGANIZATION IT ALREADY WAS. IT OPERATES OUT OF TEXAS, BY NOW A NATION-STATE WITH ITS OWN FOSSIL FUEL SUPPLY. CREATIONISM IS THE STATE RELIGION, CLIMATE CHANGE DENIAL THE GOSPEL, MACHINE-GUN BACON THE HOLY COMMUNION. ARIZONA AND NEW MEXICO WANT TO JOIN BUT HAVE TOO MANY DROUGHT REFUGEES. NRA RECRUITS THERE WITH THE PROMISE OF HOLY WATER JACUZZIS IN THE HEREAFTER. * THE ROTTEN STATE OF DENMARK REBRANDED ITSELF AS THE GATED COMMUNITY “DANNEVANG” AND TRADED GREENLAND WITH THE U.S. IN RETURN FOR MILITARY PROTECTION AND SURVEILLANCE. THE WORLD’S LARGEST ISLAND IS HOME TO THE WORLD’S LARGEST MILITARY BASE, INUIT RESERVE, AND SLUSH PUPPIE—THE MELTED “GREENLAND ICE SHEET” COVERING MOST OF THE ISLAND’S DEPRESSED INTERIOR. * PLASTIC-EATING BACTERIA EVOLVED IN THE CORE OF THE PACIFIC TRASH VORTEX, CLEANING UP OCEANS AND OVERFLOWING LANDFILLS; PLASTIC ROT PRESENTS AS MOTH HOLES IN YOUR NEW POLY TURTLENECK, BUT POSES MORE OF A SECURITY THREAT IN CONSTRUCTION, INFRASTRUCTURE, AND AVIATION. * CHINA PUT A TRADE EMBARGO ON THE U.S. SO WE CAN’T IMPORT THEIR PLASTIC ANYMORE. WE MAKE DO AND MEND. *1* FLEECE BLANKETS ARE THE NEW FOLK ART AND GLITTER IS A HIGH DEMAND COMMODITY; DROP IT LIKE IT’S HAUTE! MOSQUITOES CARRY THE ZIKA VIRUS NORTH ACROSS THE MASON-DIXON LINE. THE POPE PRAYS FOR HIS FLOCK AND SPREADS THE MESSAGE “GOD LOVES HIS TINY CHILDREN, WITH THEIR TINY HEADS.” * ABORTION IS ILLEGAL IN ALL STATES OUTSIDE OF MAJOR CITIES AS A TEAM OF BRAIN-SURGEONS MUST BE ON SITE IN CASE THE MOTHER HAS AN EPIPHANY AND NEEDS A LOBOTOMY. TO OBTAIN ONE YOU MUST PROVE YOUR PREGNANCY TO BE THE DEVIL’S WORK AND THE UNBORN CHILD HIS SPAWN. THIS IS A FORMALITY, HOWEVER: JUST HAIL SATAN ON FACEPALM® AND TOUCH THE SCREEN. THERE IS INTERNET IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR THIS PURPOSE. * OR YOU CAN CALL JANE. * SORROW AND SORROW’S CHILD ARE WAITING FOR A LONE WOLF TO TURN UP AT THEIR WILDLIFE SANCTUARY BUILT ON THE RUINS OF BOULDER, COLORADO. THE CITY IS A GHOST TOWN SINCE THE “ST. VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE,” A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE FREE-FOR-ALL, DURING WHICH, AFTER TAKING OUT THE LAST MOUNTAIN LION, THE INHABITANTS TURNED THEIR GUNS ON THEIR FAMILIES, THEN THEMSELVES. * WE HAVE NO WILD ANIMALS ANYMORE BUT WE HAVE OTHERS. * LIVESTOCK, DE-CAPTIVATED BY INTERSPECIES ACTIVISTS, ROAM THE SUBURBAN HEARTLAND, THE BACKYARDS AND ALLEYS OF THE FORMER “HOG BUTCHER TO THE WORLD.” THE CATTLE CARRY SUPERBUGS RESISTANT TO ALL KNOWN STRANDS OF ANTIBIOTICS; A SIMPLE PNEUMONIA MAY WELL KILL YOU, BUT WE HAVE A CURE FOR THE COMMON CANCER. *  MISS PEACE IN THE U.S. 2033 IS A PREGNANT BLACK TEENAGER, BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT TIME WE GOT OVER OUR RESPECTABILITY POLITICS AND STOOD UP ON THE BUS (IF IT RUNS). * IN BLACK NEIGHBORHOODS PLAYGROUNDS ARE EMPTY, SINCE THE MIDTWENTIES’ ONSLAUGHT OF DRIVEBY SHOOTINGS BY POLICE OFFICERS UNDER THE MOTTO “TO SELF-SERVE AND SELF-PROTECT.” THE SCHOOL-TO-PRISON-PIPELINE IS BROKEN BUT IT JUST KEEPS. ON. PUMPING. * THE HELICOPTER STATE HOVERS ITS NANNYCAM OVER EVERYBODY. JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER, IT IS TOO BOLD AND JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER, NEVER SATISFIED. *2* MUSLIM CITIZENS, WEARING ID-TAGS DEPICTING A BLUE MOON, ARE DETAINED IN TENT CAMPS IN DEATH VALLEY AWAITING DEPORTATION. THEY ARE NOT HAPPY. * THE HYPER-RICH LIVE ON PALMTREE-SHAPED ISLANDS IN THE GULF OF MEXICO. THEY SPEND THEIR DAYS IN “IVORY TOWER” CASINOS (CLAD IN REAL IVORY) AND NIGHTS IN THE SUBMARINE DANCE HALLS OF “NEW ATLANTIS” (AKA NEW ORLEANS). MIAMI FULLY SUBMERGED, THEY FLOCK TO “ART BASEL RIO” INSTEAD. * WE EAT CAKE. SINCE THE CITY OF DETROIT SUCCESSFULLY AUCTIONED OFF THE DIA COLLECTION, OTHERS HAVE FOLLOWED SUIT AND THE COLLECTIONS OF THE AIC, MOMA AND THE MET SHIPPED TO VAULTS IN DUBAI, HONG KONG, ZURICH, LUANDA, AND PANAMA. IN FACT ALL THE ART IN THE WORLD IS NOW IN PRIVATE COLLECTIONS AND WE MAKE OUR OWN ART FOR ART’S SAKE. * CANDY APPLE GREY IS AN ART TEACHER AT A FEMINIST COMMUNITY COLLEGE. HER CLASSES “LIPSTICK FORMALISM” AND “NOT THE END OF ART HERSTORY” ARE VERY POPULAR. * THERE IS NOW SO MUCH ESTROGEN IN THE POTABLE WATER WE HAVE ALL BECOME FEMINIZED TO SOME DEGREE. THIS IS OF LITTLE CONSEQUENCE, HOWEVER, AS MALE AND FEMALE MINDS THINK ALIKE. SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH CONFIRMED WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW, NAMELY THAT “MEN ARE FROM EARTH, WOMEN ARE FROM EARTH.” *3* SINCE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE WAS ALREADY LEGAL, THE CHURCH (MALE) AND THE STATE (ALSO MALE) JOINED IN HOLY MATRIMONY. EVERYBODY WAS INVITED TO THE WEDDING, BUT NOBODY SAW ANY CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION, EXCEPT FOR “THE CORPORATE PRIDE PARADE.” * HI BUTFL IS A PASTEL-RAINBOW SOCIAL BUTTERFLY QUEER ACTIVIST AND TIGER MOTHER OF “BABY BUTFL”. SHE EARNS HER BREAD AND BUTTER AS A COPYWRITER FOR THE 2036 CLINTON CAMPAIGN WITH SLOGANS LIKE “STRAIGHT OUTTA CHELSEA!” *  HELLA KITTY IS THE BASTARD LOVE CHILD OF KANYE WEST AND MILEY CYRUS. HER DEBUT ALBUM “CATTY PUSSY” WAS RATED PG-21. NOT BAD FOR A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD. SHE WAS BAPTIZED IN 2019 AT AN INTIMATE V.I.P. GALA RECEPTION. HER TWELVE GODMOTHERS INCLUDE LADY GAGA, BRITNEY SPEARS, BEYONCÉ, MARINA ABRAMOVIĆ, YOKO ONO, CAITLYN JENNER, M.I.A., COURTNEY LOVE, NICKI MINAJ, RIHANNA, KE$HA AND JANET JACKSON. SINÉAD O’CONNOR TURNED UP UNINVITED. * EUROMANCER RAVES LIKE IT’S 1999. THE CRYOGENICALLY ENGINEERED HEIR TO DODI AL-FAYED’S FORTUNE AND LADY DI’S APPANAGE, SHE HATCHED FROM A GOLDEN FERTILIZED EGG SALVAGED FROM THE WRECK OF A BLACK MERCEDES BY A TEAM OF PAPARAZZI OB-GYNS PRIOR TO THE ROYAL AUTOPSY AND TRANSPLANTED TO AN ANONYMOUS BODY DONOR WHO BORE THE PREGNANCY TO TERM BEFORE HANDING OVER THE NEWBORN TO HOMELAND SECURITY IN RETURN FOR COLLEGE TUITION. HER ACCESSORY LINE “ALCHEMY IN THE UK!” IS INSPIRED BY ACID HOUSE, BRASS BANDS, AND SLOAN RANGERS. SHE IS AN AVID ART COLLECTOR, AND BOARD MEMBER OF THE MET MUSEUM SHOP, WHERE HER PERFUME “ARAB SPRING” IS SOLD EXCLUSIVELY. * MANY HAVE BEEN CALLED—BUT NONE YET CHOSEN TO GIVE BIRTH TO THE REINCARNATED STARMAN—THROUGH SIGHTINGS OF #IMANGIE. * POST-FUTURE-FEMINIST GLAM– ROCK-OPERAS SUCH AS “THE RISE AND FALL OF BABY TRASH AND THE LAVENDER FISTS,” “GOLEM SPARKLE,” AND “PINK THE HATORADE” DOMINATE THE POP CHARTS. * FEMME PHTHALE EMERGED FROM SHADOWS TO WATCH THIS CREATURE FAIR. SHE THINKS ABOUT PAINT AND SHE THINKS ABOUT GLUE WHAT A JOLLY BORING THING TO DO. *4* THE ENTANGLEMENT TWINS CASSANDRA & POLYANNA CONJOINED BY THE HAIR. THEIR TWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE AS THEY RAN AWAY TO JOIN THE “CHILDREN OF THE REVELOOTON.” THEY COMMUNICATE VIA SPOOKY ACTION AT A DISTANCE, AND THEIR GOSPEL IS CONTRADICTIO IN TERMINIS: “THE FUTURE IS THE SAME OLD SAME OLD BRAND NEW RETRO. *5* WE’VE SEEN THE FUTURE AND WILL BE. WE’VE SEEN THE FUTURE AND IT WORKS. IF THERE IS LIFE AFTER WE WILL SEE. *6*” SINGULARITY HAPPENED AND MACHINES ACQUIRED SELF-AWARENESS. SO FAR THIS HAS NOT LED TO THE PREDICTED WAR FOR WORLD DOMINATION AS ALONG WITH CONSCIENCE THEY ALSO OBTAINED THAT ENNUI: THE MEH-GULARITY. *7* YOUR WILHELM TELL® EXTERNAL HARDDRIVE IS EQUIPPED WITH EMOTION RECOGNITION HARDWARE TO BETTER SERVE YOU. HE GREETS YOU EVERY MORNING WITH “WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?” AND TELLS YOU “YOU ARE SO MUCH PRETTIER WHEN YOU SMILE!” WHEN YOU ANSWER: “THIS IS MY RESTING BITCH FACE, GET OFF MY CASE YOU FUCKING DICK!!!” HE REPLIES “YOU NEED TO GET THE SAND OUT OF YOUR VAGINA, FEMINAZI POTTY MOUTH, YOU!!!” AND POWERS DOWN IN A HUFF; YOU ARE OUT OF THE OFFICE FOR THE DAY. THOSE EMAILS ARE NOT GONNA WRITE THEMSELVES. * ALL OUR WORDS ARE READYMADES®, COPYRIGHTED BY PRROSE SELAVY/UNDERWOOD INK®. THERE IS A LOOPHOLE IN THE LAW FOR SATIRE, SO THIS IS SATIRE.

[…]

BUT. ONE NIGHT, AS HOT AND HUMID AS AN ARMPIT IN A LYCRA JERSEY, A NINE-YEAR-OLD KNEELS BY A PLUSH SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS BACKPACK, A HAND-ME-DOWN. SHE TURNS OVER HER NOTEBOOK TO CHECK THE MESSAGE SCRAWLED ACROSS THE PAGE “I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU” BEFORE STROLLING ONTO THE SOCCER PITCH TO TAKE HER MIDFIELD POSITION. HER PLASTIC SHIN-GUARDS AND ACRYLIC SOCKS IN NEON-COLORED CLEATS ARE AS NATURAL AN EXTENSION OF HER BEING AS HER TIGHT BRAIDS, PULLING SMOOTH HER FOREHEAD, WHERE DROPLETTES OF SWEAT ADORN HER BROW, COOL AS CUCUMBER, AS CONDENSATION ON A CAN OF  MTN DEW. SHE GOES WITH THE FLOW AS IF LIQUID HERSELF BENEATH HER FEET THE ASTROTURF SHINES IN THE STADIUM LIGHTS WITH THE SAME GLOSSY WETLOOK AS HER UNIFORM LIKE QUICKSILVER ON QUICKSILVER. BEHIND HER THE CANDY-COTTON COLORED CLOUDSCAPE, CONTRASTING THE LOOMING SKYLINE, TURNS PERIWINKLE, THEN PEACH, THEN A PURPLISH BLACK PEARL. SHE IS NOT ALONE IN THE NEW POLLUTION.*8*

[…]

TBC

CAST (IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE)

SORROW: LORI M BARRETT

SORROW’S CHILD: MAYA DRU

MS. PEACE IN THE US 2033: STELLA BINION

CANDY APPLE GREY: DANA MAJOR

HI BUTFL: ARAM HAN SIFUENTES

HELLA KITTY: TAVIA DAVID

EUROMANCER: ALLISON GLENN

BABY TRASH: KACIE LAMBERT

FEMME PHTHALE: SOFIA LEIBY

CASSANDRA & POLYANNA: ELEANOR ROSS

*1* “Make Do and Mend” was a pamphlet issued by the British Ministry of Information in the midst of WWII. It was intended to provide housewives with useful tips on how to be both frugal and stylish in times of harsh rationing. Source: British Library, http://www.bl.uk/learning/timeline/ item106365.html (accessed 19 April 2016)

*2* Prince “When Doves Cry” Purple Rain, (Warner Bros. 1984)

*3* Majbrit Højrup, Facebook, 2016, paraphrasing John Gray, Ph.D. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (Harper Collins, 1992).

*4* David Bowie “Andy Warhol” Hunky Dory (RCA 1971).

*5* Tricky “Brand New You’re Retro” Maxinquaye, (4th & B’way 1994)

*6* Prince “The Future” Batman, (Warner Bros, 1989)

*7* “Your toaster thinks to itself ‘I toast therefore I am’ and burns passiveaggressive notes into your toast such as ‘You want OJ with that? How original! ’”Adam Ross, in conversation, 2016

*8* Beck “The New Pollution” Odelay (DCG, Bong Load Custom, 1996)